Thursday, April 16, 2009

Once upon a time

My sin and I are intertwined, like enraptured lovers we lay our faces pillowed upon each other's arms. We are inseparable, captivated creatures, I gazing so desperately into its eyes, and it in turn so hungrily drawing me in. My sin is so rooted in my soul, its touch so close upon my very heart that I cannot escape it, and in honesty do not desire to. It is too hard, too hard. It whispers always in my ears, it yearns for me and I believe I find comfort in it. In my pride and my strength, my hate and my anger, my jealousy and my lust, I believe I am sheltered, cared for, protected, and loved. It yearns for me, it longs for me. And as it so steadily pulls me away, I find that God is always in the distance, beckoning, waiting, a faint figure I fear and do not know.

Yet I know, I know in my mind that we must hate sin, hate it because its touch is disgusting and vile and it withers away our hearts and souls, condemning us to death. I know that we must turn to God instead, to live a holy life and turn our faces away from this familiar lover that I have known for so long. But when I try to discover this God, when I try to live bound by His rules, to live knowing that I am supposed to hate sin, hate it with a deep fury and passion, I find that my sin is so much a part of me, that I hate myself as well. I cannot distinguish my sin from myself, I cannot separate its wrongdoings and my wrongdoings. And the more rules I bind myself with, the more chains I draped around my arms the more hatred I feel for myself. For I hate my sin, but my sin...it mirrors my soul, and I desperately hate the reflection I see. How can I love others as myself, when I do not love myself? How can I understand that I am loved by a God, when I as gaze upon the vile image of sin, I gaze upon my own?

And so I turn away and run, escape to a life of freedom, because I refuse to believe that this beautiful amazing God can be found in rules, because I see that rules only bind me closer to my sin and separate me farther from God. I tell myself I desire to be like David, to have a heart after God's own heart, to be like Joshua in his courage and love, to be like Jonathan in his humility and respect. I want to live God freely, passionately, courageously, I want all these rules and constraints to no longer bind my soul with shall nots and do nots, but instead to be so close to God's heart that I will no longer be tempted by temptation, no longer desire evil, that righteousness and not self-righteousness will pour forth from my heart. And I live this life of freedom, but as I try to believe that I am living as God would have me live, try to believe that I am closer to Him than ever, I discover that He is fading away, becoming a faint figure in the distance I do not know, and instead I find that I am again embraced in the arms of my oh-so-familiar sin. When I freed myself of rules and restrictions, it freed itself as well.

I am a prostitute that has sold my soul a thousand times over, believing that I have the strength of heart to love God alone. I am a pharisee condemning others for living a life that I desperately love. I am Adam who has ventured forth again and again into the garden, and a thousand times I have eaten of forbidden fruit. For my sin follows me wherever I go, it is my closest lover and staunchest protector. It whispers so always in my ear.

I do not know how to live a life free of sin and full of God, I do not understand how I can possibly deny myself and love myself at the same time. It is the greatest irony that when I hate my sin I hate myself, and find that in this self-disgust I hate the sin in other people as well. I will not hesitate in my heart to condemn them and judge them, to ridicule and slander them. I cannot separate our fragile humanity from this parasite that feasts on our souls. But i have finally found why.

It is because no matter how often I have been told that Jesus died for my sins, no matter how often I have heard sermons and speeches and talks and lectures on forgiveness, I have never ever taken the lesson into my soul and never understood the depth and strength of His grace. I am finally learning what it means to "accept Christ," finally learning that Jesus died for my sins, and His blood, His forgiveness, His grace is washing away mine. So often we are taught to hate sin, and we hate it with such a furious passion that we hate it in the people around us, that we judge and condemn them and in doing so succumb even deeper into a mire of our own faults. Jesus stopped us from stoning an adulteress once, but I know that in my heart I've cast far too many stones, because when I see the sin of others I see my own, and I fear and hate it so much that all I can do is run and throw rocks. But I'm learning, slowly and hesitantly what it really means to be forgiven by God. That my sin is no longer my fault, no longer my burden to bear, but just the same my successes are not mine alone either. As I give up my sins to God, I give up my strength and pride, my triumphs as well. But that seems a very very small price to pay to live a life of freedom and joy. Someone told me once that we become like the ones we love, that as we love God more and more, and spend more time in His presence, we will become more like Him: Able to forgive others because we can finally understand that He has forgiven us. That as God loves us despite the crimes we commit against His heart, we will love ourselves and others despite whatever they do against our hearts. And no longer will we have to live bound by rules and fear, but instead we will live free and joyous, like David, having a heart after God's own heart. It is the easiest thing to bind ourselves in rules and constraints, or to free ourselves of them and turn a blind eye to our failings. But to be so completely wrapped up in the grace of God and drenched in His love that we can look our failures in the eye and not see mistakes or condemnation but only the freedom of forgiveness, then will we truly understand what it means to love ourselves, love others, and love God.

God's forgiveness and I lay together like enraptured lovers, breathlessly lost in this embrace. Forgiveness holds me in such a joyful tenderness, and in turn I can only marvel, wonder at this amazing grace, this forever love that clasps me so protectively to its bosom. What beauty, what selfless sacrifice that would shine so brightly against my pale heart. Oh Lord Your forgiveness gives me breath, in your grace my heart will beat, and I will wrap myself in your forever arms, sheltered from the storm of this world.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Lonely, lonely strangers

Everyone wants to indulge in those idle moments of soft pity, when all our fears and dreams coalesce into a forever instant of desperate clarity. Who finds the courage to fall down burdened with love and loathing, and rise up step by truthful, bright step?

Looking for a secret to love, a mystery to fall upon and into.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Monday, April 13, 2009

Highlights of the past couple weeks

Avenue Q - Hilarious, witty, musical with a good-sized dose of raauunch. Great night with friends, and a great after-dinner at Lola's.

Kareoke - Incredibly fun, loud, crazy time of kareoke with no shame whatsoever.

Huge 21st birthday party with drunken roommates, beer bongs, King's cups and an assortement of other foggy memories.

San Diego Zoo - Polar Bears and Tigers and Pandas and Elephants and friends and cake. And beer.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Still learning

I may not understand yet, or understand fully, or ever reach that moment of clarity but it doesn't mean to stop reflecting.

Reason is not always logic. Reason is meaning, reason is purpose. Reason is an all-encompassing faith.

When we find logic it shouldn't replace faith, when we find purpose it doesn't replace truth.

Instead, Logic lives among many in the shadow of Faith, and Purpose is the brush of Truth's hand upon our shoulder.

Passion is becoming part of that encompassing Faith and Truth and letting it overwhelm and drive us. It is sometimes the comraderie of logic and understanding, sometimes the opposition of. It sometimes accepts and fiercly agrees with Purpose, and other times blithely refuses it.

Passion is not simply a reflection of honesty.

Passion is indulgence, acceptance and embracement of honesty.

To understand better, and let that slowly change who I am. To see how that Faith touches and chooses me. And then to be honest with how much i understand, who I am, what I believe.

Faith and Truth