Roar

Lend me not such faith and dreams
that beckon me with your pallid pity
Instead for me a grasping hand
to walk with bright, honest fury

Once again

A jazzy, lonesome night tasting like smoky moonlight dancing on the tip of my tongue. That moment between tomorrow and yesterday when all my worries have faded into quiet gray shadows and each second drifts slowly apart in front of my eyes. My breath beats with a steady, calm certainty against the cool night air and all those every-questions of everyday and everything falls from my shoulders like brown-gold leaves off an autumn tree. It's the boom boom baby of soft blues in your eyes and poetry in your fingertips when God isn't what I should do or who I'm afraid to be or where I'm going next, but instead He's the slow sway of my shoulders, the music that carries me away when my eyes close and that deep, deep satisfaction drifting, drifting like soft, smoky moonlight. It's a night when all my constraints are flung away and I can dare to be free and dare to be alive and dare to stand and breath in the dreams that my soul hungers so greatly for. Dare to believe in childhood loves and the magic of circumstance and coincidence. Where I finally dare to sink into the deep, deep swirling depth of a life-wearied heart and find a living, dancing, singing truth of myself. It's the beginning of a rebirth.

g.e.e.k.

I heal like WOLVERINE, BITCH.

Victim

I am such a victim of circumstance, of situation.

Quiet, blue-gray mornings make me want to wrap myself in comfortable melancholy. The evening thrum gives way to mischeviousness, and the touch of the wind upon my face stirs a deep call for wild adventure.

Dare me.

I want to taste life. Living day to day, plastic breakfast to wine-red evening simply is not enough. I want to inhale life, feel the thrumming softness fill my heart from top to bottom, breathe in, breathe out. Rise the breaking wild to pound at my soul, tear me apart in a raging sympathy and set me FREE. I want to fall into a beckoning, siren-silence and emerge daring, eager.

No more of this suffocating logic, teasing and drowning my heart while cajoling my mind to accept the statistics of life. No more of this armored, rock-walled strength. I want to see that far horizon, great and fearsome, daring me to leave NOW, not in an hour, not in a minute, not when I'm ready but NOW, and in the midst of all my wariness and my fears and all the "but's" and "hold-ons" find that reckless courage and discover a passion once lost, once forgotten.

Break me down to the black and white, tear me apart to taste this Soul. All trappings forgotten, raw and naked, pounding heartbeat. THIS is who I am. I don't want to live in shadows. Give me that burning, bright, roaring spark, soaring free, and DARE me to stand apart. Mock me, ridicule me, shun me, drown me in your shallow comfort. You will not forget me.

I will rise, I will break......then I will FLY.

Well, now.

The invisible, calling. Intoxicating, one thread.

Mountain top

Maybe it's all some form of ironic expression, geared at showing the discontent I have with the petty things of this world we like to blind ourselves by. As if somehow, I can constantly keep proving to myself that I will NOT be lost in that whirlwind of existence we dare to call living, and I will REFUSE to succumb to the fears and allure of a life so scared that it cannot breathe. I like pushing buttons; when my quarter-century, post-college responsiblities and declarations of a social security, health care, insurance, 401k-life sternly looks me in the eyes and tells me to settle down, I push back.

It's only been a couple days, but I'm itching for the next step.

Where is that far horizon, who knows what lies beyond?