Parody

I feel like my life, since youth, has slowly evolved to exist as a mockery of the cultures, society, circumstances I see around me. Perhaps partly protection, I've learned to build a wall of superficial excellence that boasts so greatly of itself, delicately intertwining just the right touches of false humility here, a twist of righteous indignation there, and a dose of quiet pride to produce just the right mix of a believeable, impenetrable persona dedicated to both proclaiming a deep, ironic disastisfaction with the values of the world around me, and to shelter and lock in the core Self that I cannot let go of, no matter how often I try.

Perhaps it's cowardice to try to deny yourself, but without ever knowing cowardice one cannot rise up and taste courage. I've learned a hard lesson that everyone falls, and reliability does not mean excellence in success. Reliability (for myself and others) means the strength to get up and fight on.

When I was young, I spent most of my time reading through school, through home, through play. I've always believed that my most influential teachers weren't the ones I had at school, but rather my parents and the values they held that differed from traditional Chinese ideals, and the many authors whose stories and "souls" I read. When an author writes, I believe every part is such an integral reflection of that author's hopes and dreams and fears that the reader has an intimate connection with the author no one else will ever experience. I grew up learning about honor and respect from all the King Arthur tales, from Robin Hood, from Ivanhoe. I discovered the triumph of passion in tales of Hercules, Theseus, Perseus. Courage from Louis La'mour. Responsibility from Dumas. Perceptiveness from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Even adventure from the Hardy boys.

All this introverted speculation grew within me an almost unstoppable, constant self-perceptiveness that I could not turn off, and this in turn led me to realize just how deeply I differed from most people in the world around me. I've always had a desire to be led, to be taught about the nuances of life I saw in other people, and never realized that in this life we don't always get role models or teachers that will reach out to us. Instead, over the years as I saw the gap between my own values and ideals grow from those of other people around me, I learned to wall myself up behind the greatest mockeries I could see.

Everyone is scared of not fitting in, scared of being alone. Everyone has a desire to belong, but for some reason as much as I wanted to I could not let go of "Me." So instead, I hid it. I saw all the values and ideals that people around me believed in, that people believed about me and I became it in the most shallow, absolute sense. Somewhere over the past few years, I've almost forgotten that this is a coat I've put on, I've let others put upon me. I'm an actor living the greatest parody, one born of both fear and sarcasm.

Recently, as I grow older and (hopefully) more responsible, I've learned some hard lessons. No one is going to come along and lead me, and I can either wait around in fear, unwilling to take the responsiblity of my own life upon my shoulders, or I can find the courage to believe in my own values and uphold them against the perceptions of others.

Someone asked me not too long ago why I'm always "protecting" others. I didn't quite know how to answer at that point, (partly because I was a bit drunk) but that question has stuck in my head for a while. It's not because I need to be in charge, I dont like being in charge. It's not because I like being the hero, even though I do, because I would be fine if someone else was taking care of everything well. My friends think it's because I want to be a gentleman, be the "Man," but frankly I don't really give a damn about that. And after thinking for a long while I finally remembered why I always feel this need. I know what it's like to be left out, to be the quiet one in the corner. Most people don't believe I've ever been that, but I remember that so strongly. I know what it's like to LEAVE someone out; ashamedly I've done that enough times to brand that into my heart. I try my best to "protect" because I don't want the quiet people, the ones who may not have the confidence to be in the spotlight to be left out of anything. Most people don't see them, or if they do they ignore them. People always see the result, few ever question the motivations. And why don't I let people "protect" me? Well, I don't think I trust anyone enough to.

Incomplete thoughts.